News of the World

June 29, 2007

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I like this, although I’m fairly sure that I’ve ripped off a Perry Bible Fellowship comic a little, the one where the sun and earth hug, and the last panel is some burning residents of earth. Also, the boxes aren’t all wonky on purpose, the comic was written horizontally and I couldn’t fit it on the page, this is a shifty vertical chop-job. I’m looking into getting comicpress sorted, but I like the ‘polaroid’ strip form so I may do a few more bits and bobs. Horse and Pylon will return soooooon…

Heartbeat…

June 29, 2007

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I know this strip is about a year too late to be vaguely relevant, but I got a new set of felt tips and couldn’t resist.

There are scenarios…

June 29, 2007

There are scenarios in which my heterosexuality would be instantly pulled to the side of the road for questioning. One of those scenarios would be one in which I meet the mostly male Rockstar games development team in a dark alley, and their inacapacitiation due to being chained to walls leads to me dispensing with the man-love on a massive backstreet-bound gay scale. Amongst the spraying fountains of juices and screams for mercy, one might almost hear some office junior scream the URL for the latest GTA 4 trailer. His pronouncement would follow thus…

http://www.rockstargames.com/IV/trailer_splash.html !!! http://www.rockstargames.com/IV/trailer_splash.html !!! Just get your cock off my chiiiiiiiiiiiin!”

I remember the pre-San Andreas buzz, and the eventual amazement at San Andreas. I truly believe that the first moment in which you got in a jet, flew five minutes in either direction and were still not out of map-range was possibly the most jaw-dropping in gaming history. And although it looks like they are pulling back the sky-diving, jet flying, mountain careening-off action for this episode, the Michael Mann film vibe the new trailers are giving off are enough to make me think about heading to Leeds and hanging about outside Rockstar studios, safe in the assumption that the first man, woman or child who ventures to put out a recycling bin could be at the receiving end of my spermy gratitude.

In all seriousness, with the sadly misguided powers that be banning Manhunt 2, until its eventual release in a years time under some bollocks clause or bitorrent leak, I’m hoping that GTA4 has the power to save Rockstar’s financial year and assure their future success. They’re probably untouchable after San Andreas, but in the event that they have already spent that money, I am wishing them a happy immediate future, and a better time with the BBFC than with Manhunt. I could never imagine another situation in whcih in would be rooting for a games development company, but the company that published Max Payne 2, GTA-San Andreas and Red Dead Revolver within the space of two years needs to be kept alive so that we adults have some adult games to play.

And that is a FACT.

Oh, and although this is pretty much public knowledge by now, you can go to the rockstar classics website and download the first two ‘top-down’ GTA installments for free. Nostalgia-o-rama!

Depending on my hangover tomorrow, there will be more Horse and Pylon, prepare to be underwhelmed!

Horse? Pylon?

June 26, 2007

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I’m new to the ol’ WordPress, so have been transfixed on my ‘Blog Stats’, marvelling at the number of views this blog has gotten in the tiny amount of time it has been live. Tonight, after a trip to the pub, I return home and find that I have been linked to by a lady’s livejournal account, Lara89. She had seen the horoscropes I had posted and posted them on her blog, giving me due credit (which is all fine by me, glad they brought some happiness to someone somewhere). She had an email address which mentioned her being a geordie, so I thought I’d add her to MSN and have a quick chat, presuming she was from Taintedlover or somesuch. I add her, and in a conversation that could easily have turned to both of us descending into paranoid panic, it is revealed she found me randomly by an American webcomic index I had added myself to on a whim.

YET WE ARE BOTH FROM NEWCASTLE! The weird spidery webs of internet fate brought my horse and pylon together with her brain in some bizarre star-mapped comedy. She is a very nice person, and we are chatting on MSN now. I think this is the first nice thing that has ever happened to me on the internet, praise be!

Okay, this one is definatley one to click on and enlarge. Expect more horse puns in the near future. Oh, and I found this massive list of free mp3s at Last FM. Hope that’s some good to someone.

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My erstwhile buddies Chris ‘Geordie Sandler’ Errington and Ian ‘Noize Botherer’ Todd are currently messing about in a podcast style, pushing short five minute episodes onto myspace. They ask each other questions and then talk a load of marvellous, surreal wank until they both pass out exhausted. And what’s more, they’ll take any questions you can throw at them. Why not check them out at http://www.myspace.com/piratechat

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How can you not be intrigued by folks who willingly photograph themselves looking like that then post on the internet! For people to see!?

A NOTE – Pylon is asking Horse what OATS taste like, not CATS as the shitty transfer might suggest. This strip is dedicated to Boots and Harry-Hat for throwing some LOLs my way. Also, a big shout out to Robert ‘Billy’ Hunter, who I pretty much stole this joke from.

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Horse and Pylon

June 22, 2007

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Good Lord, I can only apologise for the quality of these scans, I have a Lexmark cheap-o-matic printer with a built in scanner. I think this scanner is actually just a pane of glass with a Flintstones style bird pecking out the copies. Add to this the fact I had to convert it to a .GIF file for size, and then shrink the whole thing to about a quarter, and we can say goodbye to crisp, clean images, and hello to this blurry mess. On the bright side, it gives you the rare sensation of reading a webcomic through muslin!

Horse and Pylon is something I’ve had in my head for ages, after we witnessed the sparse, sad sight of a field occupied only by one horse and a pylon on a hiking trip last month. To cover the fact that I was about to die a flabby asthmatic death as we climbed a particularly sweaty hill, I began holding fake conversations with Kevin and Alex, in character as a horse and a pylon, their relationship a cabin feverish back and forth of strained niceties, seasoned with no knowledge of the outside world.

I knew that it would be three panel cartoon, machine perfect repetition, monchrome and very wide boxes. I couldn’t find a google image anywhere near suitable, and nor could I work out how to photoshop the scene. So after deliberating on it for ages, today I hand drew the thing, photocopied it three times, made a header and stuck it all on a piece of card, retracing all the borders. I then photocopied this ‘master copy’, which leaves me with a copy to stick speech bubbles onto and scan in. The master copy looks incredibly smart, I’m very proud of it and I hope to work out a better method of making the comics so that it is in better resolution, and the quality reduction of using a photocopy of the master is lessened. As it stands now, it looks like I used the spray paint tool in MSpaint. Anyway, I’ll keep experimenting, I hope you enjoy them regardless of the transfer. Anyone with any better ideas of how to work this all out, or any ideas for horse and pylon jokes, feel free to leave a comment. For now, here’s another (shudder) low res quality comic…

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A while ago, I wrote a big bundle of horoscopes (or as I labelled them, Horoscropes) for Taintedlover, which would be displayed on the frontpage randomly depending on birthdate. I went about blatently ripping off the formula for The Onion’s horocopes, fuelled by the notion I could be as good at punchline comedy as the fine folks on 99p Challenge (see below). Anyhow, it all seems to have fallen through, so now I’m dumping them on here. Enjoy!

Aries – You will spend this week trying to get ahead in your job at the morgue. Here’s a hint: There’s a bin bag full in the freezer.

Taurus – On Tuesday you will hear (and enjoy) the song ‘babycakes’ and wonder whatever happened to ‘Three of a kind’? On Thursday, your question will be answered when the fat bloke from the band serves you at Greggs.

Gemini – This week, after quite a drought, you will finally meet someone special. Of course by ‘someone’ I mean ‘something’. And by ‘special’ I mean ‘with AIDS’.

Cancer – That man at work who says he doesn’t like anime, but you believe will learn to love anime if you keep telling him about your favourite anime, will kill you this Wednesday. Unless you stop telling him about anime. In a self destructive mood this week? Tell him lots about anime on Monday and Tuesday.

Leo – Your position as ‘Alpha Nerd’ will be threatened by a new employee at your call centre… beware of a man who wears sunglasses, flips his collar up and once met Raymond E. Feist.

Virgo – On Tuesday, a man on the metro will tell you that he is from the future. This is a lie. He is from Heworth.

Libra – Monday’s vicious anal rape will leave you in a state of utter shock. Luckily, a trip across the same dark car park on Thursday will bring an altogether more pleasant raping, that will re-affirm your faith in the world.

Scorpio – This Friday sees you lose the game.

Sagittarius – On Tuesday you will suddenly fear that you are the only survivor of the nuclear holocaust. Don’t worry, there was a fire drill while you were in the toilet.

Capricorn – On Tuesday the first thing you will see is an orange-clad man lowering a winch to you from a ball of blinding light. Congratulations! You fell down a well!

Aquarius – On Monday you will be confused by the derisive laughter that greets your drunken announcement ‘I want to fuck Fern Britton’. On Thursday you will realise that you meant Fearne Cotton.

Pisces – Saturday will bring a second degree burn and first degree humiliation. Sunday will bring the decision to quit your job as ‘Wile E. Coyote’.

How did you fare? Will you live to see July? Further psychic advice can be sought in the comments section of this post. Charged at £1.50 a comment.