Colony of C*nts

July 29, 2007

ant-slur.jpg

I am legally bound to say that this comic was co-written by Lara, I’ll let you guess which half of the joke I came up with. Also, Miguel fans will be chuffed to know that Kevin has posted the first ‘doodlewrecking’ on his blog, and for those not in the know, doodlewrecking is a game we invented in which you trade insults via an increasingly distressing series of doodles. Extra points are awarded for cleverly countering an insult with a similar insult, completely off-topic attacks and self depreciation. Or as Kevin himself describes it:

“The process of Doodlewrecking is one in which combatants battle it out with one another to come up with ever more offensive and outlandish comics featuring one another, the winner being decided by an impartial judge or whoever cries first. Other rules can be decided amongst yourselves, however, one that is advised is to ignore any other bodily emissions other than crying as a surrender flag.”

Go check it out, then try your own wreckings at home. All you need is a notepad, to be drunk, and no genuine appreciation for your friend at all.

Pillow Talk

July 28, 2007

Today marks the birth of my good friend Kevin’s web comic/ blog.  Why not go and give it a viewing?  Once we’ve worked out a bit of bent CSS code, he will also be premiering the latest internet phenomenon ‘doodlewrecking’, which can be best described as krunk dancing battles meets drunk nerd meets A5 paper.

Horse and Schmylon

July 28, 2007

Click, click, click to make big, big, big! The lettering is smaller today, so you will have even more trouble squinting at my pixely produce if you don’t click. CLIIIICK!

horseandpylon7gif.gif

Great Pick-up Lines #12

July 24, 2007

scarletgif.gif

Search Smearch…

July 23, 2007

Since my ego is wildly out of control, I check my blog stats every day to see who and what is reading or linking to this address.  There are a few regular google searches that lead to my blog.  One is ‘Horse and Pylon’, which is people who know me but forgot my address (or electro/equine obsessed mentalists).  Another is ‘horoscropes’, which im guessing is people misspelling ‘horoscopes’ and landing on my cackhanded attempt.  I get a hit every three or four days by oddballs looking for info on Fearne Cotton (I used her name and ‘fuck’ in the same sentence, so I’m top of the list for perverts wanting to check out Fearne’s furry fern.)

However the most baffling search I have received so far is ‘Lose Virginity Torrent’.  I mentioned virginity loss in a horoscrope, and torrents somewhere else, so I can see how someone got to this page, but my site is such an insignificant space on the interweb, I can’t imagine how many pages of search results into google you’d have to go to find me.  I’m guessing I’m on page 200,000,034, right below ‘B.O Sufferin’ Spotty Stu’s guide to overcomin’ that stammer and finally popping one in there’ .  So some guy is so desperate to find this mysterious torrent I thought I’d help the poor blighter out with some manly advice, he will obviously see this post, since every visitor to Miguel’s world of magic is a return visitor.  However, I count two reasons a man (or lady) would be searching for such a thing, and I will address both below.

1) You are trying to find a torrent of self help videos about losing your virginity. My advice is get a haircut, slap on a bit of aftershave and ask a good female friend to help you pick out a nice outfit.  After that, head out to town, find an amiable girl and strike up a conversation.  Take her out on some dates, don’t be over eager or too expectant, simply enjoy the company, and most of all be yourself.  In the event that you are an ‘ugly cunt’ or a ‘boring cunt’, attempt the same maneuvers but be willing to settle for a woman that looks like Harvey Keitel on a good hair day.  If all else fails, I know where there is a brothel (email me at BigDaddyMiguel@pimpworld.com for details).

2) You are trying to use bitorrent to find a .avi video file of a young lady having her first intimate experience on camera.  My advice here is give up.  Trust me, kid, this file doesn’t exist, the girls who are apparently first-timin’ it live on camera, 18 years old, nubile and occasionally saying ‘ow’ are the same women that were on ‘MILFcreamers.com’ two weeks ago.  In the porn world, any old harridan can put her hair in pigtails, put on a gingham skirt and pretend to be a naive young flower.  In reality, if you find such a torrent, the woman is simply a two pack a day chain smoking marvel of plastic surgery, only they’ve stuck a £2.50 soft toy on the bed so she is obviously ‘young’.  Do you know all those things you promised yourself you would do this summer?  Finish painting the back yard fence, read ‘Pride and Prejudice’, finally go for a drink with that old school pal?  Why not pursue those ambitions, because you’re pissing in the wind trying to find the hallowed deflowering torrent.  However, if you are naive enough to believe it exists, perhaps you are naive enough to believe that I can set you up, for a small fee, with a ‘beautiful’ ‘young’ ‘virgin’ ‘girl’.  Simply email me at BigDaddyMiguel@pimpworld.com with your credit card details, and I will arrange a meeting.

All messing aside, my little blog stat ticker is going off the charts, thank you very much for coming by and reading my waffle,  I promise to try and update a little bit more often, if you promise to check back once in a while with eyes wide and prepared for wonder! Miguel x

Slug Love

July 20, 2007

sluglovegif.gif

From The Wikipedia article on slugs:

A commonly seen practice among many slugs is apophallation, when one or both of the slugs chew off the other’s penis. The penis of these species is curled like a cork-screw and often becomes entangled in their mate’s genitalia in the process of exchanging sperm. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves. Once the penis has been removed, the slug remains female for the rest of its life.

Various species of slug can also reproduce via tiny “darts” of sperm which they fling in the direction of their mate’s genitalia.

Dear Lord…

What a ‘Hoot’

July 20, 2007

owlassassingif.gif

It has been a fortnight since uploading my last comic, but, like buses, you wait and two come along at once. And when they arrive they are full of inexplicably rude Polish guest workers and pikey fuckers with tupperware boxes full of fruit salad. Or at least the bus I get home is. I promise to be more prolific. Not that I need to promise you anything. I’m not your toy, I’m not some novelty you can wheel out into the parlour when your guests are done with the coffee and brandy! I’m a human being, with real feelings and emotions, I’m not one of your fucking ‘Nintendo Playstation 360’ games. However if you tell me to draw more I probably would.

The theme of owl assassination comes from a friend of mines recent breakup with a girl who owns an owl. OWNS an owl. He is very mature, and so wont take my pleas to hurl owl related abuse at her seriously. Although I hope if they ever have a post break-up arguement, he will chastise her for owning an owl at least once. I mean, who has an owl?

Aries – Monday sees a grizzly arrival.  The mauling by the first bear will be too severe, the mauling by the second bear will be a little painful, the mauling by the third bear will be just right. 

Taurus – The ‘catlike reflexes’ that you boast so proudly about will be put to the test this Thursday; at an impromptu bullfight in your garage.

Gemini – Call that primary school teacher who dumped you in the remedial class and gloat!  This Tuesday brings the news that you are neither thick nor dyslexic.  There was a tumour on your retina all along! 

Cancer – On Friday you will commence downloading what you believe to be a mega torrent of linkin park mashups.  On Saturday you will be rudely awakened by Operation Ore kicking your door in. 

Leo – Worried about winter weight and that size 6 bikini?  Have no fear!  This week brings a man with a hoover, a forged medical degree and a Latvian accent.

Virgo – This week will bring you an exciting new outfit that will definitely turn heads!  They laugh now but they’ll all be going crotchless once the Beckhams follow suit.  You trendsetter, you. 

Libra – Later this week, you will wake from a sexual dream into sexual reality!  Hot stuff!  Unfortunately the only other people in your house will be your parents and a dog. 

Scorpio – You may like to move it, move it, you may like to move it, move it, you may like to move it, move it, you may like to MOVE IT!, but disturbing the driver while the bus is in motion puts everybody at risk.  Bear this in mind whilst commuting on Saturday. 

Sagittarius – You will be at the centre of a press storm when you are abducted on Monday.  Look on the bright side; you will lose that pesky virginity on Wednesday! 

Capricorn – You gloated that wild horses couldn’t drag you to dinner with your in-laws this week.  An unfortunate stable/ fireworks incident sees wild horses dragging you to dinner with your in-laws this week. 

Aquarius – That new flame in your life will be extinguished this Friday, unless you hold your tongue before admitting to him/her that your favourite film is ‘Tron’. 

Pisces – The solution to thirteen across in Wednesday’s crossword is ‘Sarajevo’, not your disturbingly revealing first guess; ‘fratricide’. 

Drenched Hard

July 6, 2007

I had a new comic/drawing to upload today, but on  my journey home I was caught in one of the near-Amazonian rainshowers that are battering the North, and my brand new, bargain £6 400 page hardback sketch book lay to waste in a pool of water in my backpack.  My backpack was already dirty, so it was marinated in rainwater, plus bits of old Steak McCoys, a cigarette butt wrapped in cellophane (?) and mulch which I presume used to be receipts and payslips.  I’ll redraw the thing and put it up when I’ve warmed my toes (owl fans, get ready!)

The reason I was out about was that I went to see Die Hard 4.0 today, early showing with Med and Alex.  For anyone in two minds about seeing it, DO!   And go to the cinema to see it where you can revel in every pointless, easily avoidable and legally reprehensible clash between John Maclane and a band of mainly mute and geographically unplaceable baddies.  You may have seen the teasing moments of the trailer, in which Maclane faces off against a fighter jet in a huge 18 wheeler truck?  I can confidently say that the full sequence of this duel is one of the greatest moments of popcorn cinema.  In fact the whole film is just one insane set piece after the other, glued together by some sort of plot which is a mixture of Die Hard with a Vengeance, Swordfish, The Rock and embarassingly naive ‘haxxor sp33k’ (Kevin Smith’s character is called ‘War1ock’ – Do you see they used a number there, instead of a letter?  That, my friends, is great screenwriting research).

The film is a million kinds of retarded awesome, and for folk like me who aren’t interested in fucking goblins and orcs or ‘space wars’, this is a welcome return to the 90s action cinema.  No plot twists or subtlety:  Stunts, explosions, quips and an increasingly nuts looking Bruce Willis getting broken.  Oh, and as a sidenote, if you are ever in a situation where an explosion/ fireball is imminent, follow John Maclane.  This guy has mastered the art of evading mile wide blasts by running for five seconds and hiding behind a post-box.            

The Internet

July 4, 2007

the-internet-cut-gif.gif

 Yeah, I will resolve to resolve my resolution problems soon.  If for some reason you feel you need to get closer to this image, click on it.