For Our Children!

Clue – One Vowel Left

Crab

Buzzcomix

I’ve registered over at Buzzcomix.  If you sign up you can vote for Tizer Soze to be… moved up a chart list… of other unknown comics.  It would seem to chart you need about 100 votes, and since I know only a dozen people read this the battle is already lost.  But if a couple of you would be kind enough, I could maybe break the top 90 on the ‘weird’ category.  Cheers.

The Planned First Two Pages of a Book That I Never Bothered Making

Horoscropes – February 2008

Aries – Although the court will concede that three bees can constitute a ‘swarm’, they won’t accept that the only way to evade them was to use a caravan of phalanx formation disabled children.

Taurus – On Tuesday you will finally get Hot Chip’s electro-pop smash hit ‘Ready for the Floor‘ out of your head.  Sadly it will be replaced by a steering wheel, bits of windshield and the wing mirror of an Eddie Stobart Lorry.

Gemini – Your exploits this Wednesday will make Bad Boys 2 Look like Bad Boys.  

Cancer – Later this week you will trigger a whole new movement on the dogging and swinging scene, when you are filmed making a ‘deposit’ at the bottle bank.

Leo – You will be surprised midweek, by Rebublican Nominee, Senator John McCain, tapping on your window, blowing you a kiss then disappearing into the night wearing what appears to be a cape made of fire.

Virgo – On Friday you will ask a fellow academic: “War…what is it good for?”  Your fellow scholar will then outline how socio political history is essentially one long document of conflict, even going so far as to suggest that the dominant ideology of the Western… “HOO! HAA!”

Libra – Remember this weekend that the rhyme goes ‘Stop, Look and Listen, before you cross the road”.  There is nothing in there about hopscotch.

Scorpio – Your two lifelong dreams come true this Thursday.  You will get to have a six-way orgy with the Spice Girls and blind Geri Haliwell.  

Sagittarius – Today to will wonder what becomes of the clown when the laughter stops and the curtain falls?  Why, he fold away into a handy travel pouch!

Capricorn – This Saturday you will be visited in the night by the ghost of the late, great Jeremy Beadle.  As you lay in bed you will feel a small tingling sensation on your neck, as well as a larger one near your genitals.

Aquarius – You will find proof that video games can help develop useful skills when, on Monday, you collect 100 gold coins and your mother comes back to life.

Pisces – This Horoscrope is sponsored by Peter Michael McGowan – In-vision Presenter and Voice Over Artist (Home Broadcast Quality Voice Studio Available) Friday morning sees you complete the rough edit of your first daily rush for your documentary.  You feel that the diegetic sound of the film is not clearly progressing the narrative, so visit www.petermcgowan.co.uk to arrange for Peter to lend his silky vocals to your production.

T-Shirt Idea

Well, we all know how hilarious slogan T-shirts are don’t we? You know the type I mean, the sexist obnoxious unwashed comic sans garb of the ‘ironic’ idiot? Well I’ve decided that I need to get my foot in the door of this business and start making that mad ‘social outcast’ dollar. As you can see my design contains 80s nostalgia (HUEY FUCKING LEWIS LYRICS!), a sex joke and an overall smug affront. I think it will net me millions. What do you think? Should I lob this up on cafepress and see if it sells?

Takeaway

Of Course, When I Was 17 I Was Super-Cool

Pointless Pioneers

It was Billy Connelly who asked “Who was the first man to milk a cow and what the fuck did he think he was doing at the time?”  Well today I present some unsung heroes who went places that didn’t really need going to.  If you can think of any other stupidly dangerous activities that suggest that at one point some dope was a pioneer in the field, please let me know in the comments.