Aries – Although the court will concede that three bees can constitute a ‘swarm’, they won’t accept that the only way to evade them was to use a caravan of phalanx formation disabled children.

Taurus – On Tuesday you will finally get Hot Chip’s electro-pop smash hit ‘Ready for the Floor‘ out of your head.  Sadly it will be replaced by a steering wheel, bits of windshield and the wing mirror of an Eddie Stobart Lorry.

Gemini – Your exploits this Wednesday will make Bad Boys 2 Look like Bad Boys.  

Cancer – Later this week you will trigger a whole new movement on the dogging and swinging scene, when you are filmed making a ‘deposit’ at the bottle bank.

Leo – You will be surprised midweek, by Rebublican Nominee, Senator John McCain, tapping on your window, blowing you a kiss then disappearing into the night wearing what appears to be a cape made of fire.

Virgo – On Friday you will ask a fellow academic: “War…what is it good for?”  Your fellow scholar will then outline how socio political history is essentially one long document of conflict, even going so far as to suggest that the dominant ideology of the Western… “HOO! HAA!”

Libra – Remember this weekend that the rhyme goes ‘Stop, Look and Listen, before you cross the road”.  There is nothing in there about hopscotch.

Scorpio – Your two lifelong dreams come true this Thursday.  You will get to have a six-way orgy with the Spice Girls and blind Geri Haliwell.  

Sagittarius – Today to will wonder what becomes of the clown when the laughter stops and the curtain falls?  Why, he fold away into a handy travel pouch!

Capricorn – This Saturday you will be visited in the night by the ghost of the late, great Jeremy Beadle.  As you lay in bed you will feel a small tingling sensation on your neck, as well as a larger one near your genitals.

Aquarius – You will find proof that video games can help develop useful skills when, on Monday, you collect 100 gold coins and your mother comes back to life.

PiscesThis Horoscrope is sponsored by Peter Michael McGowan – In-vision Presenter and Voice Over Artist (Home Broadcast Quality Voice Studio Available) Friday morning sees you complete the rough edit of your first daily rush for your documentary.  You feel that the diegetic sound of the film is not clearly progressing the narrative, so visit www.petermcgowan.co.uk to arrange for Peter to lend his silky vocals to your production.

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Horoscropes – November 2007

November 24, 2007

Aries – You finally connect with that special someone when you smash through their windshield on Wednesday.

Taurus – You will feel like Noah’s Ark on Tuesday, when some barnyard animals come on you. two at a time.

Gemini – On Monday you will deliver what will be called ‘The Charge of the Light Brigade of PowerPoint presentations’ by your lecturer/ boss/ hostage.

Cancer – This week you will prove that technically all fireworks can be ‘indoor fireworks’.

Leo – That creepy ventriloquist’s dummy that haunted your dreams as a child finally catches up with you this weekend. It turns out all he ever wanted was a hug.

Virgo – You will pull a ‘Kramer’ on Wednesday, over what constitutes a ‘meal deal’, with the Nigerian lady at Boots. On Friday you will issue an awkward apology in the Debenhams staff newsletter.

Libra – This Thursday sees you searching for Daniel Bedingfield in wikipedia after wondering why he’s being so slow with a second album. You will then pause, turn the PC and lights off, and take stock of what your life could have been.

Scorpio – You will regret the good relationship you have built with that elephant, early this week, when he gives you a ‘friendly tusking’

Sagittarius – On Friday you will regret laughing at Parole Officer Hardon’s name.

Capricorn – Improve the reaction to your flashing these coming weeknights, but shouting ‘Death to the West!’ before ripping open your coat on the Metro. Then you are free to misinterpret the smiles of relief on your victim’s faces as astonishment.

Aquarius – You will sign up for hypnotic regression seminars this Tuesday, after R Kelly mentions you by name in his new ballad.

PiscesThis month’s Pisces Horoscope has been written by Kevin C. Ahmed, acclaimed star of ‘Just Gayin’ it up’ on NBC, and the new movie The Cream-pie Guy (out Dec 9th) On Saturday you will discover that the cheerleader uniform hidden in your wife’s closet was not a sexy surprise for you, but a birthday present for your daughter, when you are questioned by the police over the note you left in the pocket.

 

That’s all for this month, folks, do go over to Kevin C. Ahmed’s webcomic ‘I pretend I’m making a comic about prison rape but really all my punchlines are things that guys have said to me in real life behind the park toilets’, as I have contributed to the latest comic.

Horoscropes – September 2007

September 20, 2007

Aries – If you are a green giant on the dating scene, this week, remember that hell hath no fury like a woman corned.

Taurus – On Wednesday you will be mildly disappointed by the new Go Team! Album.

Gemini – On Tuesday you will answer the question ‘Can I wank myself into a coma?’ Yes! However, you will be thrown out of the monastery.

Cancer – This week will see the planets align in your favour. Unfortunately the stars will align to spell your name and ‘is bent’ across the night sky.

Leo – Don’t let your dinner settle on Thursday, as it will settle down with a tumour wife and three bouncing acid reflux baby boys. And it will grow a white picket fence you will have to shit out.

Virgo – Monday and Tuesday see you binge on twiglets. Wednesday will see you turn into a twiglet. Thursday will see you resort to auto-cannibalism.

Libra – On Friday you will fall from Grace. She’s pretty, but she sure is tall.

Scorpio – On Sunday you will draw a web comic in which you and your wisecracking pal hang out with some monkeys who are also both pirates and ninjas. Also there will be Chuck Norris and David Hasselhoff. And it will be hilarious. Oh, and it will be 2004.

Sagittarius – On Saturday you will devise a sitcom pilot starring Thora Birch, the late Dame Thora Hird and early twentieth century Swedish actress Thora Östberg as Japanese kamikaze pilots. Sadly Channel 4 wil turn down your proposal for Thora! Thora! Thora!

Capricorn – Although, midweek, the papers will describe you as a ‘lone gunman’, your arresting officer will testify on Friday that you had an accomplice in ‘Sheriff Cuddles Teddington‘.

Aquarius – On Monday you will learn the difference between the terms ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammible’. And also the difference between the terms ‘Hair transplants’ and ‘hair plugs’.

Pisces – Your Monday will bring the good news that your day’s exploits have been bought to form the basic plot of Die Hard 5. You will hear this news whispered by your mother into the one ear poking out of your all-over body plaster.

Aries – Monday sees a grizzly arrival.  The mauling by the first bear will be too severe, the mauling by the second bear will be a little painful, the mauling by the third bear will be just right. 

Taurus – The ‘catlike reflexes’ that you boast so proudly about will be put to the test this Thursday; at an impromptu bullfight in your garage.

Gemini – Call that primary school teacher who dumped you in the remedial class and gloat!  This Tuesday brings the news that you are neither thick nor dyslexic.  There was a tumour on your retina all along! 

Cancer – On Friday you will commence downloading what you believe to be a mega torrent of linkin park mashups.  On Saturday you will be rudely awakened by Operation Ore kicking your door in. 

Leo – Worried about winter weight and that size 6 bikini?  Have no fear!  This week brings a man with a hoover, a forged medical degree and a Latvian accent.

Virgo – This week will bring you an exciting new outfit that will definitely turn heads!  They laugh now but they’ll all be going crotchless once the Beckhams follow suit.  You trendsetter, you. 

Libra – Later this week, you will wake from a sexual dream into sexual reality!  Hot stuff!  Unfortunately the only other people in your house will be your parents and a dog. 

Scorpio – You may like to move it, move it, you may like to move it, move it, you may like to move it, move it, you may like to MOVE IT!, but disturbing the driver while the bus is in motion puts everybody at risk.  Bear this in mind whilst commuting on Saturday. 

Sagittarius – You will be at the centre of a press storm when you are abducted on Monday.  Look on the bright side; you will lose that pesky virginity on Wednesday! 

Capricorn – You gloated that wild horses couldn’t drag you to dinner with your in-laws this week.  An unfortunate stable/ fireworks incident sees wild horses dragging you to dinner with your in-laws this week. 

Aquarius – That new flame in your life will be extinguished this Friday, unless you hold your tongue before admitting to him/her that your favourite film is ‘Tron’. 

Pisces – The solution to thirteen across in Wednesday’s crossword is ‘Sarajevo’, not your disturbingly revealing first guess; ‘fratricide’. 

A while ago, I wrote a big bundle of horoscopes (or as I labelled them, Horoscropes) for Taintedlover, which would be displayed on the frontpage randomly depending on birthdate. I went about blatently ripping off the formula for The Onion’s horocopes, fuelled by the notion I could be as good at punchline comedy as the fine folks on 99p Challenge (see below). Anyhow, it all seems to have fallen through, so now I’m dumping them on here. Enjoy!

Aries – You will spend this week trying to get ahead in your job at the morgue. Here’s a hint: There’s a bin bag full in the freezer.

Taurus – On Tuesday you will hear (and enjoy) the song ‘babycakes’ and wonder whatever happened to ‘Three of a kind’? On Thursday, your question will be answered when the fat bloke from the band serves you at Greggs.

Gemini – This week, after quite a drought, you will finally meet someone special. Of course by ‘someone’ I mean ‘something’. And by ‘special’ I mean ‘with AIDS’.

Cancer – That man at work who says he doesn’t like anime, but you believe will learn to love anime if you keep telling him about your favourite anime, will kill you this Wednesday. Unless you stop telling him about anime. In a self destructive mood this week? Tell him lots about anime on Monday and Tuesday.

Leo – Your position as ‘Alpha Nerd’ will be threatened by a new employee at your call centre… beware of a man who wears sunglasses, flips his collar up and once met Raymond E. Feist.

Virgo – On Tuesday, a man on the metro will tell you that he is from the future. This is a lie. He is from Heworth.

Libra – Monday’s vicious anal rape will leave you in a state of utter shock. Luckily, a trip across the same dark car park on Thursday will bring an altogether more pleasant raping, that will re-affirm your faith in the world.

Scorpio – This Friday sees you lose the game.

Sagittarius – On Tuesday you will suddenly fear that you are the only survivor of the nuclear holocaust. Don’t worry, there was a fire drill while you were in the toilet.

Capricorn – On Tuesday the first thing you will see is an orange-clad man lowering a winch to you from a ball of blinding light. Congratulations! You fell down a well!

Aquarius – On Monday you will be confused by the derisive laughter that greets your drunken announcement ‘I want to fuck Fern Britton’. On Thursday you will realise that you meant Fearne Cotton.

Pisces – Saturday will bring a second degree burn and first degree humiliation. Sunday will bring the decision to quit your job as ‘Wile E. Coyote’.

How did you fare? Will you live to see July? Further psychic advice can be sought in the comments section of this post. Charged at £1.50 a comment.